….I just have to rest that thought in acceptance
that I could be the father I could be, in ways that I can.
Pain…people loathe even the mere thought of it. And as much in all human consciousness, everyone wants to get out of it.
But for me, pain is my constant companion. It is an everyday fellow that follows me wherever I may be. No matter how much prayers I’d give and even if I’d take all the medicines in the world, it’s here to stay with me.
I have hemophilia. They say, it is the curse of the blood. My blood flows in a continuous progression whenever it wants to. It doesn’t clot. That’s the deficiency that gives me the indescribable pain that I have somehow lived with since I was born.
My mother had this genetic disease that has been passed on to me and my older brother.
When I was only seven months old, my parents have already seen the manifestations of the disease in my body. They found the bruises and they have concluded the fears that haunted them since they found out that my brother and me have hemophilia. They were saddened with the news knowing that two of us from our family inherited the condition.
But what can they do with the process of life that’s unfolding in their very eyes? Acceptance was and still is the only key to move on and stop the drenching of agony that only God could explain why.
Somehow, I tried to live a normal life even with all the limitations that come along the condition. I got to finish my degree, marry the woman I love, and have the most wonderful kids in the world.
When I became the father of four intelligent, talented and handsome boys, I knew my life changed for the better. I became that strong foundation every father assumes in their homes. But sometimes, because of the inevitable pain and profuse bleeding, my strength wanes. The strong foundation my children look up to crumbles when I’m bleeding again.
I am used to the unbearable physical pain that knocks me off my consciousness. But what tears me apart is when I can’t be the father I am supposed to be. I can’t play basketball, join marathons or play football with my sons. I can’t even participate with them in their school activities. And whenever I see them on the sidelines watching other kids playing with the dads, my heart breaks.
I know my sons love me and they understood my condition and the limitations it brings, but I love them even more that I want to give the world to them. I want to be the best father I could be to them. But with my case, I just have to rest that thought in acceptance that I could be the father I could be, in ways that I can.
I embrace them with the love that endures everything. I strive to live everyday for them. I am willing to take all the pain in this world just so I could see them live their lives.
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